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I’VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU For those who are not computer literate, ‘Google’ is a ‘search engine’ tool which internet surfers use to find information. For example, type the words ‘Michael McInally’ and a couple of hundred assorted pages will be available to view, too many if you want to get to my columns in the CoastRider. Type in ‘CoastRider’ as well, making the search more precise, and the number of pages reduces, enabling you to reach your target a lot quicker. Google is like having the world’s biggest library and encyclopaedia at your fingertips, with the advantage of being able to access the information you need in seconds. Google is also a big company, and it is watching where and when you browse; a good thing if you are a terrorist and habitually type in words like ‘bomb,’ ‘home made,’ ‘false passport,’ and ‘kill,’ but a bad thing if you are an average Janet, John or Mohammed searching the net looking for a little harmless fun. Does it give you the creeps to know that last week, when you typed in ‘naked Thai hooker, ‘Ollange Blossom,’ ‘mail order bride,’ and ‘inflatable doll,’ a record of your browsing was kept? Google already has ‘Google Earth Live,’ pointing down at the earth from the final frontier, and you can zoom in and see the roof of your house, and, if you are a sad specimen, zoom in on people sunbathing naked. Now Google wants to site cameras in local neighbourhoods, so that you may zoom in on what is going on in the ’hood, without putting on your hood to go outside and see for yourself. As well as the Big Brother State watching you, Big Brother Google wants in on the act too. THAT’S A BLINKING LIE Researchers at Portsmouth University have made a discovery; liars blink differently before and after telling a pork pie. No, I did not blink differently just now, because I am telling you the truth. Apparently, as you tell a lie, your blink rate slows; remember that, the next time your partner gazes into your eyes and tells you how much you are loved, and that there is no one else. In a Spanish survey, forty six percent admitted that they lied on a C.V.; I wonder if they batted an eye as they did so. NOT SO ELDERLY CROSSING Even road signs have to be politically correct in today’s world gone mad. Campaigners want the sign showing two oldies bent double as one uses a walking stick, to be replaced by something more up to date and representative of pensioners today. Perhaps standing in a huge queue outside a bank waiting to make a withdrawal before their life savings disappear? In 2003, the words ‘old git,’ sorry, ‘elderly person,’ were removed because they were deemed to be ageist. Yes, I am aware that I do not have many years to go until I fall into the ‘old’ category, and yes, I fell into the ‘git’ category decades’ ago. Speaking of gits, in case you have children and grandchildren, I thought you should know; Glitter is out of jail. BUY DESIGNER, NOT CHEAP A House of Lords report is encouraging shoppers to avoid cheap clothes because they wear out too quickly, adding to the mounting piles of rubbish which cover the land; fine, if you can afford to buy more expensive clothes in the first place. On the positive side, the Lords have suggested that too much emphasis is being placed on policies which penalise householders for rubbish, rather than commerce and industry, and they may have a valid point. In 2007, Britain amassed twenty seven million tonnes of waste, but less than ten percent was household waste. Where did the rest originate? Nearly one third came from mining and quarrying, one third from construction and demolition, thirteen percent from industry, and eleven percent from commercial companies, including supermarkets. In order to cut down on rubbish, W H Smith is the latest store to ban plastic bags. Meanwhile Mia Cousins, five feet five inches tall, is able to lift a sack filled with garden waste, but four bin men working as a group cannot. They left a note on the sack saying that they could not remove it, because it was too heavy. The sad, silly part? Under Health and Safety guidelines, they were within their rights, because the poor dears are only supposed to lift rubbish within a daily weight limit. I FEEL BETTER AFTER A LONG WEEKEND Workers in the public sector are costing the taxpayer over five billion quid a year in days off on the sick. Unsurprisingly, Monday and Friday are the favourites, enabling Janet, John and Mohammed to recover over a long weekend. YOU’RE A COPPER, AND YOU’RE NICKED Step forward, citizen of the year candidate, Andrew Carter, who took a picture of a police van reversing up a one way street to get to the chip shop a bit quicker. When Mr Carter pointed out the officer’s ‘error,’ he was told “F… off, this is police business.” When he took a photograph of the offending vee-hickle, the officer, Aqil Farooq leapt out of the van, approached Mr Carter, knocked the camera out of his hand, and arrested him for three offences he did not commit, namely, assaulting a Robert with a camera, resisting arrest, and drunk and disorderly. After five hours in a police cell, he was released without charge. Mr Carter lodged a complaint, and at a disciplinary hearing, he was given both a verbal apology by Farooq, and a written apology by the police. Was Farooq sacked? Hell no; look at his ethnic origins if you want to work out the reason why. An unfair dismissal, ‘human rights’ case would surely follow in a year or two, and cost the taxpayer a million or two. CHUBBY MEANS TROUBLE Ladies, take a cold, hard look at your partner. Is he thin faced, like Michael Barrymore, or square faced with chubby cheeks, like Wayne Rooney? Boffins at Brock University in Canada have conducted research, and concluded that men with broad faces and chubby cheeks are much more likely to be hot headed. Want to know more? Okay, get the ruler out, and measure the distance from cheekbone to cheekbone, and upper lip to the top of the nose. If the distance from cheek to cheek is much greater than lip to nose, stand well back, because you have probably already ignited his fuse by getting too close and blocking his view of Rooney taking a penalty for Engerland. The research does not apply to women. |