In the same week that figures showed a rise of thirteen percent in the number of young children committing crimes, a couple of disturbing cases hit the headlines. John Venables, one of the killers of James Bulger, is back behind bars for failing to stick to the terms of his licence. Home Secretary Jack Straw appeared at a press conference to assure us, the public, who wanted to know what the breach was, that it was in the public interest not to tell us. Meanwhile, the men in white coats who keep the Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe under lock, key and hopefully sedation, in a mental hospital for his own safety and the safety of others, are knocking on the door of the High Court with the Ripper’s lawyers by their side, because they want him released because he is no longer ‘mad’ and presents no risk to the public. I see; now he is merely ‘bad,’ and if that is the case, rather than release him, why does he not now begin to serve out his life sentence in a maximum security cell for the horrific murders of thirteen women and the assault of seven more, who were lucky to escape with their lives? At the time of his trial, the Ripper’s lawyers tried to argue that because of his diminished responsibility, he should be found guilty of manslaughter, but the judge did not buy it, Sutcliffe stood trial, and the jury convicted him of murder. One thing I have learned in my short spell on this planet; law has nothing to do with justice, fairness and morality, and it is all about arguing a ‘legal’ point of view. Where is King Solomon when you need him?

Looking forward to the first ever, USA styled, political party leaders debating in a televised, UK election special? Me neither! Is it a case of turning up in the studio and arguing the toss? Hell, no! It has taken months of behind the scenes negotiating by the spin doctors and the telly companies to get them to agree as to how the debates will be structured. Clapping will not be allowed by the invited studio audience, in case it influences the viewing voters. Invited? For ‘balance,’ the members have been hand picked and will only be allowed to ask questions which have been cleared. I guess my gilt edged invitation was lost in the post. When you see them shaking hands at the end of the debates, even that is stage managed; they have agreed to it beforehand.
Here’s a question I might ‘wunt’ to ask ‘Shrek.’ How is it Gordon, that during your Government’s destruction of once Great Britain, things have got so bad that a line of cocaine is cheaper than a cup of coffee on the streets, at two quid? Not my figure, snorted out of thin air through a cut down straw; it is the price quoted in a Government report. Try sticking that on your expenses, lads. The report highlighted the fact that celebrities, who by some miracle have survived the experience of snorting enough cocaine to fell a rhinoceros, make drug taking look ’cool’ and encourage teenagers to give it a go.

How’s your heart? The ‘it’s good for you, it’s bad for you’ nonsense continues. Were you under the impression that an aspirin a day keeps the heart attack at bay? Me too! Now, after research at Edinburgh University, it seems that the risk of internal bleeding from taking aspirin outweighs the risk of suffering a heart attack, and in any case, taking an aspirin as an insurance policy is not advisable if you do not have a heart condition in the first place.
However, according to scientists at Kaiser Permanente, a health insurance company, drinking four cups of coffee a day helps to maintain the rhythm of the heart beat, and lowers the risk of being hospitalised by eighteen percent; so now caffeine is good for you, until next week when another survey will tell us the opposite.

A couple of weeks ago, I ’umped about the need to protect children from the dangers of the world at large and sometimes, from their own parents. Just when you think that it can’t get any worse, step forward, Sarah Burge, who has undergone one hundred and fifty cosmetic procedures costing half a million quid to enhance her appearance, as she picks up the needle to inject Botox into the face of her own daughter Hannah. The child, now sixteen, was just fifteen the first time she was Botoxed by a professional, and she wanted it done because she did not want to look ‘haggard‘ at twenty five. Now Mummy, a trained practitioner does it for her. Shall I remind you what Botox is? A toxin, a bacteria which causes paralysis of the muscles, which is why women find it difficult to crinkle their top lips into a smile to show their appreciation after having it done. Sarah, a former Bunny girl, has been Botoxed, lipo-sucked, nipped, tucked and has had her now quite magnificent breasts lifted back into place, and she works on her daughter to stop her from going to back street operators.