A week of highs and lows this week. No weightloss last week, but no weight gain either – I stayed exactly the same. Better, I suppose, than putting anything on but I’d still prefer to see the scales going down! I eventually got back into the gym (only on Thursday!) but as soon as I was almost finished my circuit, I felt really ill and just about made it to the loo before I saw my lunch in reverse. I assume it was the shock of vigorous exercise after a couple of week’s break (and mam, before you read this online and jump to the wrong conclusion, I’m not pregnant...although I may look it sometimes... so you needn’t be ringing me in a panic) so I went home and lay down for a couple of hours and was fine after that.
I had a few challenges this week, the first being a lovely meal on Friday night to celebrate a friend’s birthday. We were offered the menu before we went so we could choose our meals in advance – thankfully that meant that I chose wisely and stayed away from the deep fried camembert! I also had a lovely fruit salad for dessert, but ended up having a slice of birthday cake too (well, it would have been rude to refuse!) so cancelled that little victory out altogether. That, coupled with copious amounts of red wine equals a good couple of thousand calories I would guess!
I was relatively good on Saturday, but a last minute invitation saw me out again! This time I stuck to red wine mixed with diet coke to save on some vital calories. On Sunday, I was treated to a delicious mother’s day dinner (followed by Bannoffee pie!) after which all my intentions of doing a good long walk went out the window and all I was fit to do was snuggle on the sofa in front of a DVD. Lesson learned? Do the walk before dinner because I won’t be in the humour afterwards!
So this coming week, I am not leaving the house and I am living on lettuce. Hang on, it’s St Patrick’s Day on Wednesday…oh well!

Friday the 19th of March this week is the day of San José, Father’s Day here in Spain and many other parts of the world but not the United Kingdom or America where it is celebrated on the third Sunday in June. San José is Joseph the father of Jesus and the reason for him becoming the patron saint for fathers is fairly obvious but his day was not one of the earliest days to be celebrated in the Christian calendar. The reason for that is that the celebrations of the early church were all to do with the recognition of martyrs. The first record of a celebration of San José appears to be that of the Copts in the fourth century and it did not appear in western church calendars until Pope Sixtus IV in the fifteenth century.
The American Father’s Day like the United Kingdom date is celebrated on the third Sunday in June and the reason this came about is down to Sonora Smart Doddin the United States. Her father, Henry Jackson Smart took part in the American Civil War and was widowed when his wife died giving birth to their sixth child. Apparently Henry was an excellent father and did the best he could for his children for which they were extremely grateful and remembered him fondly after he died. So much so that one of his daughters, Sonora, decided it would be nice to have a day to honour her father. According to one source she got the idea while attending a Mothers’ Day sermon.
The first celebration was held in 1910 and it took a few years for the idea to catch on; a few years and quite a lot of commercial pressure and marketing. President Coolidge lent his support to the idea in 1924 and a special committee was set up to help promote and further the notion. It was not until the 1980’s that the group felt they had achieved their aims which was to make the day a recognised commercial success encouraging offspring to buy their fathers a gift in a similar way to Mother’s Day.
If you are resident here in Spain and can persuade your family, you might try adopting both the Spanish San José and the United Kingdom June date and receive a double dose of Father’s day. The over commercialisation of both Father’s Day and Mothering Sunday which was celebrated in the United Kingdom and Ireland last weekend has helped to cover up the roots of these and other traditions. Mothering Sunday was said to have originated in the 16th century when it was the practice for everyone in service to visit their ‘mother’ church. Hence all those who had left home to work would return and see their families on that day.
Wild flowers would be picked by the children and given to their mothers or placed in the Church, something that would be difficult if not impossible to do today.

Continuing on from last week’s crash-course in Irish slang, we’ve printed the second half of phrases to help you keep up when visiting your Irish watering hole this year. . .
D
Da : father
Dander : a leisurely stroll
Deadly : very cool
Delph : crockery, cups, saucers etc
Dickey Dazzler : an over dressed man
Diddies : breasts
Dig : punch or slap
Doing a line : courting, seeing someone
Donkey's Years : a long time - 'I haven't seen him in donkey's years'
Doorstep : a sandwich made with thickly cut bread
On the Doss : To be goofing off
Dote : a lovely little thing, usually a baby
Down the Swannie : down the drain
Drink Link : bank ATM
E
Eat the head off : attack verbally
Eccer : homework (from exercises)
Eejit : idiot
Effin' and blindin' : cursing and swearing
Elephants : drunk
Erection section : slow set at a disco
F
Fair play/whack to ya! : well done!
Fart around : to fool around
Feck : used instead of the other F word
Fecker : used instead of the other F word
Fecky the Ninth : complete idiot
Fierce : very; 'twas fierce cold
50p lifesaver : condom
Fine thing/fine bit of stuff : admiring comment on member of opposite sex
Fire away : continue, go ahead
Flahulach : flamboyant, also very generous, throwing money around
Flagon : large 2-litre bottle, usually cider
Flaming : drunk
Flea Rake : a comb
Flicks : movies, pictures
Fluthered : drunk
Fly Cemetery : currant bun
Flying low, you're : your zip is undone
Foostering : wasting time
Foundered: freezing cold
G
Gaff : house
Gameball : OK
Gammy : a load of crap, useless
Gander : a nosey look
Gansey : sweater, jersey, pullover or loads (of something)
Gargle : alcohol
Gas : funny
Gasur : young boy
Gawk : stare
Gear : good
Gee-bag : general term of abuse
Gee-Eyed : drunk
Get out of that garden : same as ""Yeah right!" or "Get up the yard!""
Git : rotten person
Gob : mouth, as in: "shut your gob"
Gobber : A spit (of the green kind)
Gobshite : idiot
Gom, Gombeen : idiot
Go way outta that! : Dismissive response, indicating disbelief
Grand : fine, nice
Gurrier : lout, hooligan
Gut : stomach
H
Hames : a mess - 'He made a right hames of the job'
Haven't got a baldy : no chance
Haven't got a snowball's chance in hell : no chance; longer version of above
Head : friend or pal e.g. How's it going head?
Header : nutcase, unstable person
Head the ball : foolish person/ or generic name for any person
Heavin' : thronged/packed i.e the place was heavin last Saturday
Heel : the first or last slice of a loaf of bread
Hole in the wall : ATM
Holy joe : sanctimonious person
Holy show : spectacle
Hooley : party or celebration
Hop, on the : bunk school, playing truant
Horrors : drunk, e.g. I was in the horrors last night
Hot Press : airing cupboard
How's the form? : How are you?
How's the talent? : Is there anyone good looking/ interesting about?
I
I am in me wick : you must be joking!
I could eat the lamb o' Jayjus through the rungs of a chair : I'm very hungry
I'd eat a farmer's arse through a blackthorn bush! : I'm hungry
I've a mouth on me : I'm hungry
I've a throat on me : I'm thirsty
I will in me brown : I won't!
J
Jackeen : a culchie's name for a Dubliner
Jack in the box : A dead Dublin man
Jacks : toilet
Jaded : very tired, knackered
Jammers : very crowded, busy
Jammy : lucky
Janey Mack! : Gosh, really?
Japers! : Gosh, really?
Jar : A pint
Jaysus : Jesus
Jo Maxi : taxi
Johnny : condom
Johnny-jump-up : pint of Guinness mixed with Bulmers (cider)
K
Knacker : gypsy, travelling person
Knackerette : gypsy, travelling person of the female variety
Knick-knacking : ringing a doorbell and running away
Knocked up : pregnant
L
Lady Muck : a stuck-up woman
Lamped him out of it, I : I really hit the guy hard, knocked him out
Langers : drunk
Lashing : raining hard
Laudy daw : snob
Legger, do a : to abscond from the scene
Legging (it) : moving at pace!
Letting on : pretending
Like a blue-arsed fly : running around, hectically busy
Little green man : a small bottle of Jameson's
Loaf : to head butt someone
Locked : very drunk
Lush : a bit of a drinker
M
Ma : mother
Maggot, Stop acting the : stop messin' around
Malarky : tomfoolery
Mangled : drunk
Manky : filthy dirty
Massive : brilliant, deadly
Me auld segosha, me auld flower : best friend
Milling : fighting
Mind yourself : be careful
Minerals : soft drinks
Mitch : bunk school, playing truant
Molly : effeminate
Molly coddle : over protect
Mortaller : mortal sin
Mortified : embarassed, usually said by your ma
Mot : girlfriend
Muppet : fool, idiot
Muzzy : a little brat
N
Narky : cranky
Nixer : a job done on the quiet so that no tax has to be paid on the wages.
Nifty 50 : a Honda 50cc motorcycle
Nip : nude, as in 'I saw him/her in the nip'
Nits : head lice
Noggin : head
O
Oirish: typically, clichéd Irish(ness)
On the never never : On Hire purchase
On the ockie : on the hop, playing truant from school, work
One and One : fish and chips i.e. One and One Cod
Ossified : drunk
Oxters : armpits
P
Peeler : policeman
Perishing : very cold Pint of plain : a pint of Guinness
Plankin' it : very nervous
Plastered : drunk
Plastic Paddy : someone of Irish descent who has all the accoutrements of Irishness
Plonker : idiot
Póg : kiss
Pogue Mo Thóin : kiss my arse
Polluted : drunk
Porter, a rake of : a lot of stout
Powerful : great, excellent, grand
Praities : potatoes
Press : cupboard
Puck : punch
Puke : get sick, vomit
Put the heart crossways in someone : Give someone a terrible fright
Puss :face, usually sulky
Q
Quare : contrary to popular belief this does not mean queer or strange but great! - it's irish irony
Quare hawk : odd fella
Queer bit of skirt/talent : a really attractive woman /man.
R
Rabbit on : talk a lot
Rag order : disorganised
Rake : a great amount of anything
Rapid : amazing
Rat : squealer; some one who tells on you.
Reddener : blush
Redser : somebody with red or ginger hair
Ride: an attractive person / to have sex
Ri-Ra : fun and excitement
Riverdance : The act of commiting suicide in the Shannon. "so and so did The Riverdance"
Ronnie : moustache - after movie star, Ronald Coleman
Root : search
Rub-a-dub-dub : the pub
Rubber : pencil eraser
Ructions : Loud arguing or commotion - 'There were great ructions at our house last night'
Runners : trainers, everyday sports shoes
S
Sambos : sandwiches
Savage : very severe or excellent
Scab : one who scabs (constantly borrows or tries to get freebies)
Scarlet : blushing
Scrap : fight
the Scratch : dole, social security
Scratcher : bed
Screwed : fecked, in trouble
Scrubber : female of low morals
Scuttered : drunk
Scutters/Squitters : diarrhea
Scutting : catching a ride by hanging from the back of a moving truck and then jumping off
Session : Drinking all day long, typically starting before noon
Shaper : young guy who takes up a lot of space when he struts around.
Shenanagans : carry-on/horse-play
Shrapnel : loose change
Single : bag of chips
Six o' one, half a dozen o' the other : exactly the same
Skiver : someone who avoids work
Slagging : having someone on, making fun of them
Sláinte : Cheers (literally Health!)
Sleeveen, Slinkeen : a sly type, pinch the eyes out of your head
Slug : mouthful of a drink – “gis a slug”
Snapper : child
Snared rapid : caught doing something one shouldn't have been doing
Sneachta : cocaine (sneachta is the Gaelic word for ‘snow’)
Snot rag : handkerchief
Sound : really good
Spud : typical nickname for someone with the surname Murphy
Stop the lights! : jayzuz, really?!
Stocious : drunk as a lord
Stung : embarrassed after getting caught doing something ye shouldn't
Suckin' diesel : having a good time
T
Thick : idiot/stupid
3m : a young male who's only cares are his ma, his mot and his moustache
Throwing Shapes : what a shaper does...see above.
Togs : swimming trunks
Turf Accountant : bookie/betting shop for horse or greyhound racing
Two-bulb : squad car
U
Undy-grundy : wedgie
Up the duff : pregnant
Up the flue / In the family way : pregnant
Up the pole : pregnant
Up the yard! : be off with ya!
Up to ninety : near boiling point, ready to explode
V
Vexed : upset
W
Wafer : ice cream sandwiched between two flat wafers
Wagon : horrible female
Wall-falling : knackered, exhausted
Wet the tea : make tea (comes from the practice of wetting the leaves in the bottom of the pot)
Whiff or Whack : a smell
Whist : keep quiet
Wojus : poor or bad; "That tea is wojus."
Y
Yoke : a thing ( pass me that yoke)
Yonks : a long time
Youngfella : generic term for a youth (male)
Youngwan : generic term for a youth (female)
You couldn't hit a cow's arse with a banjo : bad aim, woeful hurler/darts player/soccer player etc.
Yoyo : euro
Z
Zeds: when you need to get some sleep you need to get some zeds.

Dear Laura
I have just discovered my partner has been unfaithful to me with one of the neighbours on our urbanisation. I saw him coming out of her house when I was walking the dog late at night around the back streets. He had told me he had a job to do which would take him away for the night. I can’t believe he’d do this to me right under my very nose. I don’t usually walk the dog at night as he usually takes the dog for a walk and has a pint on his way. When I confronted him he admitted it has been going for a few months now and he is in love with her. He now says he is moving in with her and has started packing up his belongings. He has even taken the tv and the computer over to her house. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I am really hurting badly. He is the love of my life, he always has been and always will be.
I am devastated. How could he be so stupid as to fall for this woman? She is not even attractive, is overweight and looks like mutton dressed as lamb. Laura do you see him returning back to me? I am so desperate I’d take him back under any circumstances but he won’t talk to me any longer. He just comes in to the house, pats the dog, collects more bits and bobs and leaves again. Our children are furious with him and aren’t speaking to him but they are back in England and have their own lives so other than being at the end of the phone aren’t of much help. My daughter and her husband have said I can move back and stay with them but that seems so final. I want to know if there is any chance we can get back together again in the future.
Sorry to be so miserable G
Dear G
This is going to be a hard split for you – the Two of Cups – the Karmic Twins tell me so.
You have a Karmic link with this man, unfinished business from a previous incarnation which has been brought into this carnation to resolve. At the moment you are crippled with indecision – you are hoping that he will return to you and everything will be made better again but the Five of Cups indicates a woman on her own – the divorced woman, the bereaved woman. For whatever reason, he was dissatisfied with his lot – he felt he needed more that you could give him so he has turned his back on his life with you. I think this is something you are just going to have to accept. At the moment, there is nothing that is going to change his mind. If it was not with the woman on your urbanisation it would be with somebody else. He is searching for something and unfortunately you cannot give it to him. The Sun tells me that this split is going to ultimately have a very positive outcome for you but first of all you need to accept that he’s unlikely to return. I feel you can be quite an impulsive person and the cards are indicating that you need to take your time before making your next move. I believe there are financial issues here which will need to be resolved and if you are not too impatient to bring closure you will be left in a good financial position. The Tower tells me that there is really nothing you can do to get this relationship back on track so once you have accepted this fact then try and disentangle yourself from this man and move on with your life. Incidentally, you will have decisions that have to be made once you have negotiated your financial affairs and I feel there will be a quick overseas visit which will be fruitful for you. You may even decide to up sticks and move back to England. I have drawn you an Angel Card which says ‘Creativity is the power to transform little into much’

Dear Laura
I have been living in Quesada for a number of years now but I have noticed how things are changing. There are less people here, the streets are empty and I am not so sure this is the right place for me any longer. I have a big house which was the family home but now everyone has gone there separate ways and it’s only me and my husband left. We do have friends to stay but not as often as we’d like. We have several pets which restricts us from travelling to other countries. Nearly everybody we talk to at the moment is thinking of moving back to the UK. We have not lived there for almost 10 years so are not quite sure what to expect. We never thought we’d consider moving from Spain but it is just not the same here any longer.
Most of our money is invested in our house over here and when looking in real estate agents windows everything seems to have dropped in price so much. The more we talk about it the more we feel we’d like to move on but how? Our house is in good condition albeit slightly old fashioned (we last had an overhaul about 5 years ago) and to be honest could do with putting in a new kitchen and bathroom. Do you think it would be worth our while updating the house and hoping property prices improve towards the end of the year or do you think we would be wasting our money. Most of our family are in the south of England and have invited us to live with them until we get ourselves sorted. What do you think would be our best plan of action?
Thank you Laura love P x
Dear P
The first thing I’d say to you and to anyone else who is finding life hard in Spain at the moment and who has pets is to ensure that all rabies vaccinations are up to date.
The last thing you want is to have to leave dearly loved pets behind due to unforeseen circumstances. It is a very unsettled period which we live at the moment and things can change from day to day. I don’t need to tell you or anyone else how many abandoned pets there are, many because they don’t meet the criteria of travelling back into the UK. So please, take these precautions now so you are ready just incase you make a sudden decision to relocate. Now for your reading. The Ten of Swords along with the Five of Swords indicate an element of feeling cheated – your life’s dream is not working out quite how you had wished for and now you are having to have a rethink.
What is nice is you have support around you – you mention your family have offered you a home in the UK until you get yourselves sorted so if I were you I’d take up their kind offer. I do believe you will be relocating but the major difficulty you’re facing at the moment is making the decision. Obviously no one likes losing money but your property is tying you down and is becoming a burden – the Devil Card indicates this – literally being chained down! There are two men in your spread – one older – I take this to be your husband and a younger, dark haired man.
The dark haired man (possibly a son?) will be instrumental in your move.
He will be instrumental in your relocation and help you reach your goals.
The Star indicates to me that the move is in your best interest – it is where you should be at this time of your life. The Magician indicates new beginnings, where you can make of your future what you will. It will be difficult moving to a new country after so long but you have an adaptable disposition and I don’t think you will find it too difficult to adapt. The cards don’t indicate the Spanish house being sold as such so I am wondering whether there is any possibility of family members chipping in to keep the house in Spain as a holiday home? I have drawn you an Angel Card which says ‘The wealth of creation wants to flow to you – open up to it’

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REMEMBERING
Did you know that babies, when they are born, can recognise familiar noises that they heard in the womb? They will already be familiar with their mother’s and other family voices as well as pieces of favourite music and maybe even the family dog barking. They will respond to familiar sounds by relaxing happily. Memory is a skill needed to help us know and understand the World and there are steps that we can take to help our children remember important facts and events.
Children will recall more if they use all of their senses. Encourage them to describe what they want to remember in words, visualize it and describe it in pictures, make a connection between an object’s name, its smell and the places and people associated with it.
Children aren’t just learning facts, they are also learning “how to” skills. Even muscles have memory and practice really does make perfect.
Repeating an action over and over again will eventually lead to a new skill becoming automatic.
Seize children’s attention by crouching down to their level and making eye contact. Speak at a suitable pace for your child and show them what you mean where possible. You can also ask your child to repeat something back to you to clarify their understanding.
Whilst at school, children have to learn a huge number of facts and figures, often by heart.
Using rhymes, and first initial games can really improve memory. How many of these have you heard before?
• I before E except after C
• My Very Eager Mother Just Served us Noodles (8 planets of the solar system namely Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune)
• Richard of York Gave Battle in Vain (colours of the rainbow namely red, orange, green, blue, indigo and violet)
• In fourteen hundred and ninety two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
• Every good boy deserves football (the notes on a treble clef)
Making up rhymes and songs is a great way to boost memory so encourage children to make up their own, especially funny examples to help them remember lists of information. There is no age limit to this. Even older students can use these skills to help revise for exams and if they don’t feel silly, get them to sing it as well as this uses another sense.
The more your child learns, the more he will be able to learn. The space in the brain won’t run out! Quite the opposite in fact. It will get bigger and more effective. London taxi drivers who have to learn “the knowledge” before they can drive a black cab have a larger brain area dealing with maps and spatial awareness as they learn off by heart the names and positions of London’s twenty five thousand streets so teach your kids to use it or lose it!
Emotions can be a very powerful tool in creating memories both good and bad. You can help your child to stay positive by encouraging them to remember and focus on the good things which make them feel happy.
Children can use a skill called “chunking” to help with numbers and letters. For example we can remember phone numbers when they are grouped into three, four or five. Threes are the easiest groups to remember. Longer numbers will go straight out of your head so chunk it down and keep it small.
Help your child further by playing games that require quick decisions such as Snap, Uno, Taboo etc. Or memory games such as “I went on holiday and packed in my suitcase….”. These games help to improve speed and accuracy.
Multi tasking is a fairly new concept but something which seems to be a necessity in today’s modern society. However, it has been proven that this is not necessarily the best way to work. Focussing on several things all at the same time means that we do all of the things at a slower pace as our brain struggles to switch gear from one thing to another. The outcome is usually less enjoyable and actually detracts from the learning experience. Inevitably there are times when multi tasking is unavoidable but try to get children to learn to focus completely on one thing and do it well before moving onto the next.
So helping your child with this important skill will not only support them through school and college but will also shape the person they become. Having a positive outlook and focusing on the good will help to give them some great memories to look back on.

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